It was a rough week to say the least.
A little fact about me, I am emotional. You know when I am happy, sad, angry, hurt, frustrated, excited. I can laugh and I can cry, my emotions are easily expressed (just ask my family). I now consider this a blessing though, a blessing that I can feel. I'm not saying I enjoy heartache or anger, I don't. But God made woman specifically to be emotional beings. Our emotions are a reflection of just how mighty our God is. We were made in His image, and God definitely feels things. He has felt it all, more than I will ever feel. My emotions are a gift and are what make me unique as a woman of God.
I experienced something this week that I never have before.
And it scared me.
My heart was aching, but I felt nothing. I was numb. For the first time, I wanted nothing to do with anything. Things that normally make me happy I had no desire to participate in. I didn't want to do any dishes, or any cleaning for that matter. I did all my school work, but there was no heart behind it. I wanted to cry so badly, but couldn't. I had no motivation to do anything. I'm not even sure how I got anything done at all. I wasn't me.
I did manage to get a run in yesterday evening and it was beautiful, no amount of apathy could make me deny that. I have run this particular route lots of times, but for some reason this time it felt like the first. I noticed so many new things throughout the neighborhoods and I was enjoying what I saw. The colors of fall were everywhere, and its vibrancy was breath taking. God knows exactly what I need in every situation. He spoke to me gently and suddenly, I was feeling again. Quite ironically, as my ipod was on shuffle, "Goodbye Apathy" by OneRepublic came on, I couldn't help but laugh out loud and wear a smile all the way home.
It wasn't until after bible study last night that I began to process this past week and finally begin to feel like me again. Fellowship always does wonders for my heart.
I went to bed joyful last night, thanking God for blessing me with the ability to feel. Something I hope to never take for granted.
Today, I was Rachel again. I scrubbed the kitchen, put up some Christmas decorations,enjoyed being around people, had a great time meeting up with a wonderful woman I get to disciple, and even cried a little. All I have to say is...