Saturday, August 4, 2012

Watching Airplanes

I'm going to be completely honest.
Raising support is my least favorite part about my job.
Shocker I know.
But it is also probably one of the coolest parts as well.
Ha, bet you weren't expecting that.

It is definitely different the 2nd time around.
Instead of being completely paralyzed with fear
I'm picking up my phone, sending emails, meeting with people 
and working with a confidence in the Lord I wish I had last year.

I'm seeing the Lord continually provide.
And it is unbelievable.
He has brought me so far already and I am so thankful.

But things are by no means easy.
The Lord is showing me areas in my life that really need work.
And it's never easy hearing that you need to grow.
Talk about a shot to your ego.
It hurts.

Well apparently I am a bit of a control freak.
{who would a thought?}
 I'm still having trouble fully trusting the Lord with support.
This time it's trusting that He can do things with out me.

This week has been hard.
I have been working, working and working
and support has definitely been coming in.
But something is off.
I'm growing weary.
This all seems so backwards.
 I can't sleep, my mind just races, I'm exhausted,
 my stomach aches, my appetite is gone, I'm having bad dreams...
I guess this is what happens when you try to control things
 and do things on your own strength.
You are slowly brought to brokenness.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day off.
Instead I choose to work all day and had 3 support appointments.
As I left my last appointment in the evening,
{though it went great}
I felt an overwhelming amount of weariness.
I couldn't go home, I needed to get away.
And since I can't just hop on a plane and head anywhere I please
{though I wish I could}
I did the next best thing I could think of.

I threw myself in my car and headed toward John Wayne airport.
 I found myself a beautiful place outside
 where I could lay down and watch airplanes take off.
{something I love to do}

As I heard the planes getting louder as they left the runway,
I shut my eyes tight and felt their engines rumble in my chest.
I opened my eyes just in time to
 watch them fly by and off into the clouds.

I was laying there.
All by myself.
Listening, watching, taking it all in.

I'm beginning to think the Lord knew exactly what He was doing.
He knew exactly how to get me alone.
He wanted it to be just Him and I.
No one else, no distractions.
And before I could realize what was happening,
I heard it.

"Rachel you need to stop trying to control things 
and just trust me.
I can do this with or without you.
Let me lead you."

I sat for a minute trying to absorb
what I knew was truth straight from the Lord.
But I was fiercely not wanting to admit He was right.
{stubborn much?}

How could I not be trusting God?
The same God who brought in every cent of what I needed last year.
I've seen His faithfulness firsthand.
I wrestled with this for a bit.

Ultimately it comes down to this.
I am fearful that the support I need won't come in,
I'm worried that what happened last year will happen again.
And because of this I have taken matters into my own hands.
{This silly girl thinks she is in control of what happens.}
And while I am thankful that Lord is continuing to provide,
I am not letting Him lead me.
I am not trusting Him.
I'm actually putting my work before the Lord.
Something I never thought could happen.

So today I am taking a day off,
trusting that God is still working even though I'm not.
Remembering that He is the one orchestrating everything, not me.

I am currently a bit of a broken mess.
But this is the cool part about raising support...
the Lord is using this process to 
shape me
grow me
and refine me
 into the woman He has created me to be.

I am confident that I'm right where I need to be,
broken and utterly vulnerable before the Lord
And He loves me none the less.

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