Thursday, November 4, 2010

I Don't Dig School, But I am Trying.

I'm going to be quite frank with you, I don't enjoy school and I really have not enjoyed Cal Poly.  I have had a very rough time here and all I want is to be done. I want to leave this place and move on with my life. My relationship with school reminds me of an unhealthy relationship that a lot of women find themselves in with guys. I have been bruised, battered, put down, rejected, left heartbroken and I can't even begin to tell you how many times I have been left in tears. Goodness, I have never cried this much in my entire life. Embarrassing, but true. It is quite unfortunate I can't end my relationship with Poly until June.

A few weeks ago in Bible Study we talked about God's provisions and finding our satisfaction in Him. We read through Exodus 16, Deuteronomy 8:2-10 and John 6:46-51.  I feel like my time here slightly resembles the Israelites 40 years in the Desert. Thank the Lord I don't have to spend 40 years here, but 5 is more than enough for me! I think God is trying to teach me that His provisions are enough, that all I need and will ever need is Him.  I don't think of myself as extremely stubborn, but sometimes I wonder if I am so stubborn that this was the only way that the Lord could reveal himself to me. Definitely something to think about....

These past few years have been long and I have seriously been praying that God would change my attitude and heart toward school. I'm sad to admit that my heart is still hardened (I am a work in progress). But, the Lord as shown me that without being here there are a lot of things that would be lacking in my life. I would never met the people I did...

Specifically these one's :)

Oh, and these one's too!

(I think God has truly blessed me with amazing women in my life)

Along with the wonderful people God has blessed me with I would have never learned about who I am, and most of all my relationship with the Lord would be drastically different. That maybe the greatest thing I have to be thankful for in my college years; discovering who God is, how much he loves and cherishes me, keeping an eternal perspective, loving others, not living in guilt, and how living my life for Him is the only way to live.  If school was what I needed to learn how to live my life for the Lord, then I would do it all over again for Him! Now, Cal Poly is not what saved my life, that was all God. But if I hadn't come here I would have never been a part of Campus Crusade, never had gone to the middle east on a summer project...

(see picture below) 

...and had my world turned upside down. I would have never allowed my walls to come down and let the Lord in.

It is very clear to me that I am where God wanted me to be, even if I don't understand everything, I am confident in that. I never expected school to be this hard and challenging, but I have learned who God wants me to be. I wake up every morning and unwillingly go to my classes, but I know God has a greater purpose in all of this. I would not trade a single one of his provisions for anything!

Now I can walk into my six hours of lab in the morning confident that God is doing his work and shaping me into the woman of God He as created me to be.


Rebecca said...

Our wonderful project. Oh, how I miss it and you.

Jane Gordon said...

Just remember -- after the desert God gives refreshment, and that is where you are headed. Perhaps you are being refreshed even now. :-) I love how God sustains us through it all. And I love you!